this month has flown by... thanksgiving break is nigh upon me and so is all the work i've been ignoring. i took on way too much this semester (who would've guessed) and now i am paying the price for ignoring two very important group projects until a week before the deadline. live and learn! (i never learn)

i've been struggling so bad this semester that i've been thinking about changing my major again. this isn't anything new — i'm only in cs for the supposed money — but man it sucks to realize it's finally too late to do anything about it. i've spent the last few days staring wistfully at other colleges' literature and history and anthropology course offerings and pretending i'll be able to study the things i really want to one day. in the grand scheme of things it's a small sacrifice. not a big deal. this is fine. this is totally fine

i just keep thinking about how little effort i put into school at the moment (i'm literally writing this journal entry in class)... i constantly feel like i'm cheating my way through things and lying about my passions and interests to get where i want to be. and i'm worried that everyone can see through it. i feel like if i were studying what i wanted to, i would have a reason to really work for what i want. i think i could be finally proud of my work if it were for things i'm passionate about.

the cruel thing is that i can't (won't) do anything about it. there's a lot of complexity about being entangled with my parents' wishes and being told exactly what kind of career will lead me to success. and it's too late anyways. i don't feel trapped — i don't hate my major that bad. so i might as well stick with it. but i can complain the whole way there if i want to.

(and dream of the kind of student i could be in another universe... studying playwrights and ancient epic poetry and victorian societal norms and the history of my parents' country. and maybe really feel like my life is going somewhere.)

i hope i can return to you with better news and lighter thoughts soon. —7