i just took my last midterm today, and with that, i give myself permission to return to my hobbies (not that i was abstaining from them when i was supposed to be studying — quite the opposite). at least now i can do things without the looming threat of exams over my head... for the next month or so. ain't that just the way.

my zine obsession chose the worst time to return, and it's all i've been thinking about for the last two weeks. i did make one new zine, and i really like how it turned out! i just keep itching to make more and more. i'd like to imagine it's the unquenchable creative spirit within me, but really, i just like having all the zines i've made, and sharing them with everyone on the internet, and watching them collect in a small pile on my bookshelf. i've been really thinking about starting up a small store for my zines, which is at once so alluring and so stressful to think about. for one, zines are an exclusively physical medium of art to me personally, so it would feel weird to sell digital versions, so i would have to buy envelopes and stamps and manage mailing out physical copies. (this is also my only hesitation for putting up zines on my website. we'll see soon enough if i change my mind)

the other (and most pervasive) problem is how dependent i am on internet numbers for validation — this has to do less specifically with the zines, since zines are already distant from the validation loop of making art and putting it online, and more with having a store that other things could go up on. what's stopping me from putting up prints? commissions? and if i do, what will keep me from conflating my internet success or my sales with my inherent worth as an artist? is there any way to avoid having to build a 'presence' and advertise my work, but still get people interested in the things i make?

so, yeah. it's the pits. and these concerns have been keeping me from creating any kind of storefront for a really long while, and everything kind of perpetuates the feeling that my art is 'amateur' and will never progress to a professional level. or that there's a bar to be reached where i'm professional 'enough' that i have the right to try selling art. the thing is that selling art seems realllyyy exciting and cool. maybe one of these days i'll feel brave enough to take the plunge.

news unrelated to my artistic crisis — we had a sudden downpour today and i got soaked walking from my exam to my car (a two minute walk, usually). i had a broken umbrella and a sudden fit of whimsy, so i was laughing the whole time i was straggling to the parking lot. the wind was strong and it was cold, and my shoes were full of water, and i was freezing to death. it was a lot of fun :) i hope it keeps raining for a while... i could use the cooler weather. — 7